just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
