The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
