i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
