Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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