We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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