I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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