Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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