Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
