I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
it hurts more in the daytime
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
