just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
