Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
