My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
