I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
