our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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