My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She's JV to your varsity
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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