as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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