It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
