I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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