you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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