Your dad touched me again.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
