I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
