Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
