i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
