One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
