Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
