and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
