I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
