I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I did not marry a roomba.
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