I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
