rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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