we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
