had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
