If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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