The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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