Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Fuck appropriateness.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
