I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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