Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
