the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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