i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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