My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
