I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
