Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
