Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Holy sore nipples Batman
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
