I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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