I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
