Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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