just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
