perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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