i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
