you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Pants are for mortals
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
