and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
